Welcome to another installment of the H.A.B (heretical advice bureau) newsletter. We’d like to, once again, remind readers that we dispense advice on how to avoid heresy and heretical events rather than committing them. If you want advice on the latter we suggest heading to your local enforcer station and discussing it with the lead interrogator.
Today we are going to cover the subject of “heretical items” and what to do if you find them, buy them or walk-in on your kin using them. We have devised a simple 3-step process to help you in this matter:
- Don’t say it aloud! A lot of forbidden text can cause a serious accident if spoken aloud. The last thing you want to deal with after your mandatory 22-hour work shift is to have yourself turned inside out*.
- Don’t touch it! Never touch an item you believe to be of a heretical nature, and definitely don’t touch heretical nature**.
- Don’t swallow it! If you think food has been served to you by a heretic then do not eat it***. If you eat it before realising your server is a heretic then remember to drink lots of recyc-water to flush the heresy out of your system****.
So keep those pointers in mind and keep serving the God Emperor.
Please remember that even writing about heretical advice is considered heresy… on a completely unrelated topic I have to leave immediately.
*Your work-based insurance provider will not cover accidents at the workplace caused by heretical, or non heretical, means.
**You can find a list of heretical nature on our website which covers plants such as the T’au Cowardice Bush and the dreaded Fulgrim Peeker.
***We’d like to reassure people that while the addition of the prickly tropic fruit to your gluten disc is not advised, it’s not heresy. At the moment.
*****This advice is not advocacy of drinking recyc-water. Recyc-water is served for entertainment purposes only and any ingestion is of your own wrongdoing.